The Beginning of Divas Weekend

Interview with Resident Divas Peter Pizzi and Michelle Tea

T: Good afternoon Divas, great to see everyone. We’re on our way to Provincetown to start another amazing chapter of our Diva Lives. Do you have any opening comments?

P: Wait a second I want you guys to notice that we are about to be approved for the Diva Lane.

(There is a cop supervising people entering the carpool lane)

P: We’ve been accepted. (Continuing with previous train of thought) I can only say that this didn’t happen soon enough.

M: Yeah. There’s been a real need for divas weekend, there has been a sense of frustration at the lack of outlets to express diva and to commune with other divas

P: It makes sense that we’re going to a diva hub.

M: It (coming into diva-hood) calls for that sense of protection. I’m also ready to pop in a diva mix, by the way. Will that interrupt your interview?

T: If it’s low enough to hear I think it could really add to the conversation.

M: Look I have a CD and I don’t know if it’s Man Diva or Club Diva.

P: Can we guess? Are there men on Club Diva?

M: No, I discriminated on gender. (Music comes on) It’s Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. Is he a diva?

P: He’s a diva.

M: Basically with all the diva music there were so many options I had to make two CD’s to feel satisfied. I wanted them to have different themes so that’s why I have a man diva and woman diva mix.

P: VH1 did a man diva concert with Lenny Kravitz and George Michael. There were some questions on there. It was a mainstream diva thing.

M: I think a lot of goth men are divas.

P: We’re the leaders of the diva lane. Except for cops. But they work for us. Now we have to merge in with the common folks.

M: The common folks are going to hate us.

P: Why are they blocking the road from us?

M: Maybe they’re planning a party for us, maybe they’re inflating balloons. Controversial song coming on. Sufjan Stephens.

T: I don’t think so. Too much of a hippie.

M: Can a hippie be a diva? I give you Stevie Nicks.

T: But is she really a hippie?

P: Did she ever wear tie-dye in her life? Probably. Maybe in San Francisco.

T: Are there any philosophical tenets we hold dear as divas?

M: I would say grandiosity by any means necessary. I think another sort of diva catchphrase/diva mantra is: all is fair in love and war.

T: That does feel just necessary to facilitate the culture we’re interested in. Peter?

P: I have a few things but nothing that is really standing out. I am thinking of this episode of Oprah that I saw, she was talking to these ladies who were over 40 and looking to get married.

M: You’re more likely to get struck by lightening. Beth Pickens says that’s not true though.

T: Seriously.

M: That was a big thing

P: Oprah did a show for those ladies who want to get married over 40. She suggested: whenever you leave your house, look your best. Even for the supermarket. Always look your best because men are always on the hunt.

M: When I lived in Hollywood I worked in a bookstore in a very trendy area and you would see Christina Ricci sipping a cappuccino. One day I went to work I had rolled out of bed, maybe had the cocktail flu, was working behind the counter and who walked in but Matt Dillon. I looked messy and I was wearing mannish clothing. I had no access to my feminine wiles. Matt Dillon laid his hands upon me. He fondled my arms to get a better look at my tattoos. BECAUSE I looked so messy and because I was a diva I was aware that I had no access to my feminine powers so I was unable to wittily banter with Matt Dillon. I had no game I had no life I had no magic. I was wearing a men’s shirt with an anti-materialistic message on it, I was a wreck. From then on I said, “This is very serious, you live in Hollywood.” Every morning I would get dressed and I would say, “Are you ready to meet Matt Dillon?”

P: That’s a mantra, “Are you ready to meet Matt Dillon?” Because the story you could be sharing right now is that you had sex with Matt Dillon at the bookstore where you worked.

M: I think the mantra this weekend could be “Am I ready to meet John Waters?” It’s a diva support group. We need to call each other out on our diva shit and be sure we’re upholding a standard. This is Jay-Z. Diva?

P&T: ABSOLUTELY.

P: Another diva philosophy is living like a millionaire whether or not you have a million dollars.

M: Grandiosity by any means necessary. Justin Bieber?

P&T: NO.

T: He hasn’t earned it.

P: Yep.

T: Divas feel they have PAID THEIR DUES and they get to be divas because they earned it. Okay would you two like to review some of the activities we have planned for Divas Weekend?

M: Yeah

P: Bingo

M: Bingo! Somebody at Bingo has to win, why not a diva?

P: How wonderful would it be if one of us wins the 500 dollar pot? Let’s make a plan that if one of it wins it we spend it on all of us together?

M&T: Yes!

M: Rocco? A diva?

P&T: Of course.

T: Other activities?

P: Well shopping of course. The late-night stroll to Maritime Specialties to get a schnazzy and unique outfit at a great price.

M: In the words of Beth Ditto, it will be very dimestore diamond. Peter Murphy, diva? The song is Crowds, a very diva song.

P&T: Total diva.

P: Oh a massage.

M: I would like to get my whole body exfoliated. I have a lot of dead skin and I need to slough it off. Divas they give out a lot of energy and they take in a lot of energy.

P: They take up space, basically.

M: You always have to be clearing out the past and letting in the future. In Northampton I’m getting my bubble cleaned by my witch.

T: I too have a meeting with a witch in Northampton though specifically in regards to my home situation. Anything further to report about Provincetown activities in general?

P: Bicycling. Nighttime bicycling with lights. Divas use lights on their bikes. I might get Michelle to buy a bike light.

M: Divas are pro-safety. Divas are very spiritual. Divas understand that there are powers greater than the diva and that they are benevolent and they want to help the diva. Divas are connected to the spirit and the goddess. Divas…

P: Mother nature. One of the most well-known divas.

M: Aphrodite! Diva. So we’re gonna do a ritual, use some of our diva magic to help ourselves and help one another. It’s important for divas to remain spiritually healthy because they’re very powerful and if they don’t safeguard their goodness they can go bad. Look at Millificent, Cruella deVille and Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Karl Lagerfeld.

P: Darth Vader. Look what happened to him. Dark side. John Galliano: dark diva.

M: We’re more like Stevie Nicks, white light diva. Not negative diva. We may venture to the dark side to get our hands dirty every now and then. Divas are free to be flexible, they don’t need to be good all the time. But most of the time they are good. Now this is a real diva speaking of real diva issues: Morrissey. “Now I know how Joan of Arc felt?” Please. What is a more diva sentiment? The weather is being a diva right now, threatening to have a thunderstorm. Per request of a diva, now we do have a man diva.

P: Prince.

T: Any other thoughts or offerings as we officially embark on Divas Weekend?

M: Are you asking us? I think you already asked us that.

T: I guess it was my initial question! Hmmm.

M: Mariah! Diva?

P: Begrudgingly, yes. What do you think of that, Tara?

T: Agreed. Divas, here is my final question: Do you guys anticipate feeling different at the end of this weekend?

M: I do anticipate feeling relaxed, and therefore able to access a higher level of liberation.

P: Of zest. Accessing a zestful life. I will feel ready to embrace the summer.

T: I know this is terrible but I already anticipate being sad it’s over! Come on have a better attitude of gratitude that it happened at all and that I can carry the goodness with me! Just coming clean. I’m a woman who has endured quite a beating recently.

M: You are! (Referring to the music) It’s the Gossip. Schooling people: a very diva thing to do.