T: Good evening divas. We are at the conclusion of Divas Weekend II. We’ve seen and done so much. What springs to mind for our highlights reel?
M: I think some of the diva meals we made, divas cooking together
P: Diva dining
M: Even though we went out for dinner tonight I think the real highlights are our meals together.
P: I’m inspired to start recording the meals I make. I need to make a blog with three-ingredient recipes.
M: The polenta breakfasts
P: I was exposed to some new things like that coconut creamer, Tara. And those fancy tomatoes.
T: Is your attention split, Michelle? (Michelle is on her texting machine)
M: You asked me while I was still responding to her! I just have to finish and then I’ll put this down. I’m a very good multi-tasker.
T: That’s completely fair.
P: another highlight is the Portuguese Parade. We were right in it.
M: Like divas we can’t stand on the sidelines
P: We were actually walking in the path of the parade
M: What I liked about that parade is that you know when I see parades it’s always in San Francisco like at Carnaval or Pride, there’s a lot of drunk people and persnickety people throwing attitude with their territory. Today was very humble. It was so cool it made me realize I don’t know anything about ethnic Portuguese culture. It made me realize there is a region with outfits and food that I could learn about.
P: Our show was a highlight. We had a nice crowd, the space was great. I thought we would be in the gallery…
M: That was a great room. We met diva friends, we met Ricky Tucker. We saw Eileen (Myles), got to walk around with her
P: The Pied Bar. No one there.
M: The Pied Bar was not a highlight for me. Maybe smoking outside with Ricky was but even the wide-eyed 12-year-old bartender wasn’t enough
P: He totally fagged out when he started talking about Lady Gaga
M: It was exciting hearing about gay marriage being legalized in NYC. That bar though was not fit for a diva. It takes more than a disco ball. A highlight though was going to Spiritus before the Pied with Eileen Myles, we got milkshakes and pizza. That was a highlight.
P: I like how you got all caffeinated before the show
M: Always. Do you want my personality or not?
P: Filming our movie!
M: The real Housewives of Provincetown.
P: The “Got To Be Real Housewives”
T: Yeah!
M: I like that we got to hold the bocce balls to make the intro to the show, I felt like the goddess was speaking through me. Also because I’m such a vain person and I liked that looking as fucked up and stupid as possible was the point, I spend so much time not looking fucked up that it was enjoyable.
T: What about where we went after the Pied?
M: The Wave? I learned that when you are exhausted and have to be in a bar the thing to do is dance. It sounds counter-intuitive but when you dance you’re raising your energy
P: And it was a perfect snapshot of time, thirty minutes, it wasn’t too much.
M: You get there and you walk right onto the dance floor. I’ve arrived! But after too many fucking J-Lo videos we were forced to leave. In the words of Ricky Tucker, “What assholes go to a J-Lo concert?” Or Tara maybe that was you talking about that band from the earlier video who you said all looked like assholes.
T: You said they looked like people we would see in the Mission and hate. So real. Remember the bachelorette party at The Wave?
M: I was immediately judgmental because I really hate this weird man-woman bachelorette thing where men go experience their sexuality in this weird last-minute desperate way and then women go to gay bars and don’t relate to their sexuality at all. The guys do it and the girls are like babies. Totally infantilizing. They pretend, they go dirty dance around fags. It’s so weird to me. They bring their weird neutered sexuality into a gay bar. They should go to a biker bar and get groped. When I looked at them they looked so innocent and young and cute and then I thought why the hell do I care what they’re doing?
T: We had another bachelorette party experience tonight on Commercial Street.
M: It was a big bachelorette party. They were all wearing jellybean-colored wigs.
T: You were eating jellybeans.
M: Let’s not forget that last night’s bachelorette party was blowing up condoms like balloons in the street and tied one to a fire hydrant.
P: Then you tried taking it off didn’t you?
M: No I didn’t.
T: We also had a more somber event this evening at the beach. A funeral for a bird named Dood.
M: We were dark divas
P: Dood was a diva. Dood’s send off. When I was thinking about it a minute ago it felt like he was put in a pyramid.
M: You sealed him in his pyramid for eternity.
P: We said, “Good night, Dood!”
M: Let us not forget the slightly less ornate but still noteworthy burial of Sick Sale Finch who died before he got a name.
P: I had him for six days and the return policy is only for three days.
T: They are not taking any chances there, are they.
M: Highlight: the fucking sun came out. We saw blue sky. It was warm.
T: That was wonderful. Though I wish it was hotter.
P: The polenta was a highlight.
M: That was a highlight for you? Aw.
P: Who makes polenta on vacation? Polenta with goat gouda, poached eggs, faux sausages, English muffins, gluten-free bagels and fruit and coffee. Diva breakfast.
M: Poaching an egg successfully really makes you feel like a diva.
P: Sleeping late is really a diva thing to do
M: It was very “I don’t get out of bed for less than ten thousand dollars a day.” Very Linda Evangelista. It felt so good to wake up, know you should get up and go back to sleep. Total diva move. And along those lines, I had to come back after shopping today, eat half a pound of cheese then take a diva nap. I work hard, then I sleep hard.
P: Understood.
T: Any thoughts as diva weekend draws to a close?
M: Divas can’t control whether or not it rains on their beach vacation. But they can control their attitudes. Divas always have a good time, rain or shine.
P: I second that emphatically.