I Returned a Woman

Because who wouldn’t? They come with so many busted parts! Or the parts get busted over time and I’m like COME ON! What man has to deal with the empty parking lot of his barren womb and the attendant hormonal buffoonery and weight gain? Well I can think of a few who do but my real point here is to shine a light on the fact that there are a rainbow of genders and everyone has their own issues with their body and the answers are not likely to be in the next issue of Endomorph Fitness.

I returned home from a one-week Colorado skate trip last night! My cats were so excited they stood within ten feet of me all at the same time! I was so tired I felt like non-specifically barely crying for hours. I laid on the floor and let Kristina pull my shorts off and replace them with my much-vaunted sweatpants, which I will remind you have room for the both of us. I dragged my carcass over to the couch like a demon whose legs were cut off. I watched a few episodes of Cesar Millan and cried for the beauty. Kristina made us delicious food which involved vegetables and my experiences in the bathroom reflect that.


It was glorious.

We skated our faces off. I definitely have fainter fingerprints on my right hand, which I think is because of grip tape gripping. But if I’m going to pull off some notable crimes I should do it now because there will be little evidence besides a pile of (dyed) blonde hair and an organized spice drawer.

Injury Round-Up:

One big whack on my forehead which happened in the bathroom of a restaurant while waiting for my huevos rancheros (I always wait for my food in the can). I went to the bathroom and the toilet was handily close to the sink so you could wash your hands whilst still peeing. I bent way, way down my lanky frame to pull up my crappy giant shorts and whacked my head on the porcelain sink. I instantly cried very hard for five seconds then got annoyed that I didn’t have a couch or cable tv to heal with so I pulled up my shit straps and moved on.

Big bruise in the middle of my left thigh: not sure where this came from but I think from a few classic falls on steep drop-ins at Spring Canyon in Fort Collins. I came to party and the evidence is deep purple (not the band).

Cheese grater scrape on my left calf from falling at Tuck’s. Another attempt at what was apparently a steep drop-in. If the surface hadn’t been so rough I would have kept trying but my leg was bleeding, shorts were ripped and other people were waiting to shred. So I went to an easier spot and used that and I liked it.

People Round-Up:

The skateboarding scene in Colorado! I love it! I don’t totally understand why everyone is so friendly and warm and welcoming. I am so grateful. Everyone shared of their parks and private spots with great generosity. There were many of us over forty years old. The over-30 scene is CRACKING. There were also many women who SHRED!! Like over the shallow stairs, ripping loud grinds, airs, all that stuff that has names. It was so awesome! Being around multiple women who have a hunger for skateboarding, who cannot not skate, was so glorious. All pushing each other and trying things and everyone of all genders being equals. A paradise.

I could detail every day in every way but then I would be living in a time machine that doesn’t go back very far and that doesn’t seem fun for anyone. I took photos and they are posted on a phone application I use sometimes.

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