Herein I continue my project of interviewing my friends about why we are not sleeping together.
DAVE END
A thoughtful woman at dinner
T: Okay, Davendra, start out telling me why we’re not sleeping together.
D: Why we’re not sleeping together or why we’re not SLEEPING TOGETHER? Because you never come over for sleepovers anymore.
T: The latter.
D: Because it’s hard to have dinner out and because it’s not acceptable to do that at restaurants.
T: YOU THINK WE’D DO IT IN PUBLIC?
D: PART OF THE reason is that we don’t spend a lot of time in each others’ rooms. (NOTE: I had caps lock on by accident.)
T: So if we were in each others’ rooms we would not be able to avoid tumbling into each others’ sexual milieu?
D: For one, stop putting words in my mouth and for two, I’m sure I have no idea. Maybe this interview is the ice-breaker we need.
T: Like we haven’t really known how to communicate in the past.
D: Perhaps. And most people don’t make it into my bedroom without an interview first. It’s important to screen.
T: What are the interviews usually like?
D: First is just the impression a person makes. What they’re wearing, what kind of gifts they’re holding. The second half of the interview is character questions like what kind of dessert would you be. That’s not rhetorical, WHAT KIND OF DESSERT WOULD YOU BE?
T: I think I would be banana lumpia.
D That was successful because it brought up bananas and I would say you win. Let’s do this thing.
T: Is it because bananas are wang-like?
D: It’s because bananas have an outfit on and so little fruit knows how to turn it out and I feel like you’d be willing to take a lot of clothes off of me which is necessary because I wear a lot of clothes.
T: You are a person of layers.
D: I’m like an onion in that I will make you cry if you cut me.
T: Are there any other character questions you like to ask?
D: I like to get a sense of what kinds of collections people have. Little hint: if it’s troll dolls, you’re in. I would say 65 percent of the people I’ve slept with collect trolls. Treasure trolls.
T: Treasure trolls.
D: Treasure trolls.
T: Do you have any other hard criteria I should know about? Are there any acts you require in the boudoir?
D: I require activities afterwards like when I’m first meeting a new lover I like to bake a cake or go to the park and throw something around. I like to see how the dynamic changes, translate ourselves into the world and throw balls around.
T: What kind of balls?
D: Squeaky ones. Squeaky toys.
T: Like you would use with a dog.
D: Yeah I…por ejemplo. Are there any criteria you have that I should know?
T: I must answer earnestly: come with kindness and self-love. Sorry.
BEN MC COY
T: Haaayy! Let’s start by my asking why we’re not sleeping together.
B: I would say that I don’t know if you’re attracted to me and also if you were into me it would be maybe unfortunate in the sense that I’m not…I’ve never had any physical full circle closure pleasure experiences with ladies. I’ve been pursued a handful of times by a couple ladies of various varieties, all shapes of butch and femme…which by the way I hate those words but I’m just describing. If that was to happen you’d have to be really aggressive, and patient…maybe manipulative, like bait, you might be super-disappointed to find that my assumption that I’m not into ladies might be true, like in a Kinsey…I’m like that varsity asshole girl.
T: Have you been pursued by ladies in San Francisco? Because when you were saying that I was thinking you meant Boston.
B: Once in New York, I can honestly say as long as anything has ever happened that’s been mutual-ish, I did hang out with a girl once of my own volition and the funny thing was that neither of us knew that the other was a trans girl. She was trans and I was trans. She is really into ladies pretty much primarily. I was in Vegas so that’s why I did it. See I told you I’m an asshole. I hung out with her because I was in Vegas.
T: Different rules for Vegas!!
B: We were on a platform thing…it was on Sister Spit, we were dancing at this choady straight club and you know when you’re dancing on a platform above all these people and you feel like hot shit so I was making out with this girl up there and all these frat dudes were watching and a security guard came to kick us out until Michelle started yelling WE’RE VIP, WE’RE VIP so they had to leave us alone. Also I was wearing lingerie. I feel like that’s the…other times I’ve been kissed by a girl it’s like they’re coming at my face so I turn and they hit my cheek and it’s really embarrassing and I’m like, “I could turn on some Sarah McLachlan…” which is probably what got me in trouble in the first place.
Am I allowed to ask you a question?
T: Sure! Some people have some haven’t.
B: So what is this series about?
T: I was texting Michelle last week and I told her I’m actively not sleeping with several people right now. Trying really hard not to sleep with the wrong people who are just going to ultimately feel terrible. So Michelle said that would be a funny zine to do and the more I thought about it it did seem really fun. And I knew it would be entertaining and make me laugh. Guaranteed relentless rejection.
CHELSEA STARR
T: Chels, why aren’t we sleeping together?
C: Well right now I’m in my bed in Portland and you’re somewhere in San Francisco. But I am coming there tomorrow but some things could change. I have often wondered why we’re not sleeping together but I think you prefer the more masculine-presenting than I.
T: You know what’s funny is that Dave End asks me constantly if we’re doing it. Usually adding her fingers scissoring around.
C Wait why don’t you say, “Not YET??” There was a two-day window when we were on tour (in 2007) when I thought what a great idea it would be and I kept looking at your blonde hair in the front seat and I would think of your hair splayed out on the pillow.
T: And then the feeling just drifted away?
C: it came and then it went. It came on really strongly and it made me crazy and I realized it was real and then it just left as mysteriously as it had come. I wasn’t grossed out by the idea after that but it just wasn’t an immediate thing anymore. Just when I was thinking I should make my wishes known they evaporated.
T: Maybe the excitement was having secret passions.
C Or I just wanted it to happen at some point. I still can’t believe I came in last in the points game (terrible game on tour in which people earned points for achieving sexual acts ranging from kissing to screwing).
T: No way I came in last! There’s no way I came in before you.
C: Wait no I had 2 points! Wait I had 3! I’m painting myself in a corner, I don’t remember.
T: Remember I was with my sad little alcoholic.
C: Yech. I didn’t like her. But then she earned points with me after she took care of you after you puked out of her van. She was too little.
T: She was so many terrible things before being little.
C: I want some chocolate so badly but I don’t want to go anywhere.
T: I feel like I face that conundrum all the time.
C: A showdown that keeps on happening every goddamn month. I’m sick of it.
T: Is it hormone-related?
C: I get the PMS and it takes FOREVER. Want to hear something disgusting? I was looking for a couch on craigslist and I found an ad with the heading “period couch” and I clicked on it because it seemed so gross but it meant like Victorian. That is just the wrong label, it’s like “period underwear.”
T: Are there any thoughts you want to share in the realm of love? Philosophies you have or things you’ve learned?
C: Gosh it’s hard to think of things to say without thinking of exes seeing it and feeling mad or bad. I don’t know much about love. I’m not a good girlfriend but I’m trying to improve. I don’t really know.
T: What’s something that you want to improve?
C: Communication. Like I hate processing but I think that you kind of have to. I’m just not that good at it, I’d just rather throw in the towel than talk things out. I’m becoming more respectful about talking about the feelings of people I date.
T: I think of you as being so articulate.
C: Really?
T: You seem so precise to me when you speak!
C: I feel like I am until I talk to a girlfriend about anything important and then I weirdly shut down, it’s really hard for me to access my…I don’t know. This is too much therapeutic territory, I’m going to shut up. I don’t know, I really don’t have much insight. Tell me something that you’ve learned about love.
T: I really, deeply believe that self-love is crucial for being a good partner.
C: Totally true.