Herein continues my exploration of why my friends aren’t sleeping with me.

SHOSHANA VON BLANCKENSEE

Shoshana is my excellent friend and occasional road trip companion. We met in 1998 and have been friends ever since. I talked to her while she was pushing her baby around in a stroller on Bernal Hill.

T: Shosh, I spend my days wondering why you and I aren’t sleeping together.

S: On my way to the gynecologist I was thinking about that and I am clear to sleep with you now because I found out my vagina is in good shape…wait I’m stuck on a rock…come on!! So I’m in good working order if we want to start sleeping together. I don’t really know why, Tara. I mean here are some ideas of why we should: cuz I’m blonde and you’re brown hair and when you’re two white people that’s a good way to go so people don’t just say you’re trying to sleep with yourself like they did when I was sleeping with Chloe. Our body types are different but not so crazily different that we would look weird. Like we’re in the same genre. Minus your small calves and my large ones.

T: That will be nice for contrast.

S I was also thinking if we were going to sleep together you should privately tape it so we have a scandalous video that could get leaked to the public. We would probably have to pay people to care. I don’t know. There aren’t enough me’s and you’s of the world sleeping together at least in SF. It’s probably different in other places. I don’t have a reason, Tara, you’re sexy, I like your hair.

T: Good starting points, the visual cues.

S: Why do you think we’re not sleeping together? Don’t break my heart here.

T: I imagined it had something to do with your marriage and child?

S: Really? There’s nothing on your end stopping it? Because I knew you before the marriage and child. Don’t put it all on me. All I have now is naps which are 15 minutes and we would probably need more than that to sort it out.

T: Would it be well within your marriage for this to go forward?

S: I don’t know I would have to ask, she seems less resistant than me at this point. I dreamt last night that she had sex with someone at her gym so I think that means I could sleep with you.

T: Have you guys had that conversation recently?

S: Well we did because when we woke up I got mad at her for being such a jerk for sleeping with the lady at the gym. When I told her about (the dream) she asked, “Would you really dump me over that? We have a marriage and a kid. There are two options, lie about it or be honest about it. So whatever happens we should just be honest about it.” But really I mean I think she’d be fine if you and I slept together, I mean I made out with Seinberg when we were together and she was fine with that. If you wore pants and a tie, then all bets are off, it’s not okay then. Hang on a second I have to give this baby something to hold on to.

T: Are there any sweeping statements you can make about love?

S: Nothing is permanent. Any drama you have at one time is going to be totally different in a year. Like when Ada was born I was freaking out and thinking she was slacking and that I was doing all the caregiving and stuff and now that’s not an issue at all, we might just argue about who does the dishes. Thinking that any of that is permanent is a dark road to go down full of break-ups and big major fights. You’ll always have times, like it’s a cyclical thing where we’re so in love and our lives are so great and then a couple months later we just want to kill each other and can’t believe we went this far together. And if we ever think, “this is it, this is the way it is” then that’s what gets us in trouble. In either way, you can’t think it’s always great or always bad. This is the first time I’ve been in it for the long haul, hopefully the last time. Oh man I have a crier on my hands, I have to go and get her calm. But I didn’t really get you enough.

T: Are you kidding, there’s so much good stuff here.

S: Just the stuff about your hair and your body.

T: That’s all I’m going to publish, thank you so much!

NICOLE GEORGES

My lovely friend Nicole lives in Portland and creates graphic novels.

N: It should be noted that I’m picking up dog poop with a piece of the newspaper I picked up. At the very least I’m smooshing it into the grass because it’s kind of like diarrhea.

T: You are very responsible, the kind of person you do not verbally assault.

N: If you verbally assault me I’ll throw a handful of poop at you.

T: Good point, no one should verbally assault a woman with a handful of poop.

T: Nicole, why on earth aren’t we sleeping together?

N: Well I thought about this for a very long time because I knew it was coming and it has something to do with the fact that we have the same gender and I’m in a relationship..It would be like two barbies rubbing up against each other. Who would wear the dress? I think we would make better Amazing Race partners than sex magic partners.

T: This is most likely true. Do you tend to be with other-gendered people?

N: My preference is to be with people who are a different gender than me. Let’s say a soft butch. The femmest on the spectrum would be a dandy but that’s not my preference.

T: What makes you choose SOFT butch?

N: I don’t know! Maybe I’m too bossy for a stone butch. Stone butches are not very much fun in my experience. A high butch is not known in my limited experience for their remarkable sense of humor. So I seek lower on the butch order. I like when people open doors for me but I don’t want to be completely emasculated. I don’t want to date my dad.

T: That’s weird.

N: I’m not completely closed to the high butch but it’s not my long-term relationship preference.

T: Have you been with a high butch?

N: I can’t tell. I think that I have definitely…is this a sex interview?

T: It can be!

N: I have dated someone who is more butch than the people I usually date and it did feel like dating my dad sometimes. And once I was briefly dating someone who was kind of stone and that was such a drag.

T: What part specifically was a drag?

N: It got monotonous because there was only one way that we…did…things. You know? I like to do it in all the ways. So that is why it was boring to me. No offense to the you know. The stony among us.

T: When you start dating someone do you know you’re sexually compatible?

N: I think that usually before I’ll sign the contract, the monogamy contract, it has to be there. So things die or sometimes you find out things later. Sometimes someone seems less stony at first. I usually suss them out as much as I can before signing any kind of exclusivity contract. It’s very important to me to have somebody with a good sense of humor because if they don’t they just think I’m a mean person. And that would carry through into our whole emotional life. When I say “Fuck you” and the person knows I’m kidding it goes way better than if I say “fuck you” and they don’t know I’m kidding.

T: Lloyd seems like a resilient person.

N: She just gets me, which is really important to me. There are a lot of bugs out today. There are a thousand flying bugs who haven’t had anywhere to go (because it’s been raining) until today. I think Lloyd is…no surprises. I don’t think she’s that different than when I first started dating her. Except maybe she’s better. She’s happier than when I first met her.

T: That’s excellent news. God I love that. How long have you and Lloyd been together now?

N: Almost two-and-a-half years.

T: Do you have any big things you would say about being in a relationship or being in love?

N: I got a Dr. Laura relationship book on tape when I first started dating Katy. The only piece of advice that was worthwhile was, “Choose wisely, treat kindly” which I really appreciated even though it came from Dr. Laura. Other good advice I got from a book written in the 80’s that Dr. Drew recommended. The gist is that everybody falls into the category where they either have an emotional sexual personality or a physical sexual personality, which means they’re either more introverted or extroverted, and everyone is both but most people are more one than the other. But we’re drawn to people who are the opposite. I’m attracted to people who are opposite of me. I’m extroverted. And the thing that attracts you to someone is inevitably the thing that really bugs you. So when something is bugging me I ask myself if it’s the thing that first attracted me to them. So Dr. Laura and Dr. Drew. If Rush Limbaugh had good advice I would say that too but he doesn’t. Take oxycontin. I love giving advice.

T: Do you often give people advice in the realm of love?

N: I do, I have an advice column. I do also give friends advice but often they don’t listen to me. I have friends to whom I gave advice early on like “oh don’t date that person” and now they’ve been together for eight years. So it’s not always right. But I will always share what I think. I have strong opinions.