Hi All You Lovely Lonely People!
Welcome to another donkey ride through another meaningful holiday in the brief but notable list of holiday card changeovers at CVS. Being in alignment with our nation’s drug stores is just one of many worthy goals, like perfecting your toss in a game of Corn Hole!
So Kristina and I have put our heads together, lit a TON of votives, and come up with what we think is a flawless Valentine’s Day experience. Feel free to poach and enjoy!
We assume you slept on a giant mound of cotton balls and donuts (depending on if you’re a ballerina or a Homer Simpson), and woke up gently to the scent of Stetson and cinnamon sugar candles. As your eyes delicately parted, a perfect cup of bulletproof coffee arrived at your side, handily affixed to a leather coffee saddle worn by a Norwegian Forest Cat. YUMMY! In the background, the crackle of breakfast being cooked by your beloved.
Despite the rumble of breakfast cooking, your beloved hears your long eyelashes part and puts on a record: Portishead’s “Dummy” and lights the finest candles yet, the Nest brand Elton John collection. The “Sir Elton John Fireside Candle” the “Sir Elton John Woodside Garden Candle,” and of course, the “Holiday Candle,” though it just doesn’t have a good ring to it.
One of your cats, probably the Tabby, is drawing you a bath. He has dropped several Sexplosion Surprise bath bombs into the water, making it a glittery, grainy, game-y delight. A profusion of essential oils dissipate into the water. Lavender, rose, vanilla, confetti cake, Duncan Hines frosting from a can, edible undies, Gerbera Daisy petals (hot pink), and a pair of invisi-socks float into the water. Your tabby adds a cup of Tide with Bleach and a dryer sheet (the non-toxic kind, Lavender Fields scent). Yummy. You peel off your red teddy and slide into the water.
You hear the notes of Wandering Star pipe out of your Crossley. Your black domestic short hair cat applies a hot oil treatment to your hair since your ends are fried and it hasn’t grown for two years. You look like Prince Valiant, you goof!
Two quick erotic scenes, one for a mixed-gender relationship and the other for a similar gender relationship:
Your beloved enters the bath room with two glasses of Lambrusco and hands you both of them. He briefly leaves, then returns with his arms outstretched. One arm has five plastic candy canes full of red, pink and white M&Ms. The other arm holds a People Magazine, an OK! and an O Magazine. His boner holds a loofah and a washcloth.
Your beloved enters the bath room with a tray of Cape Cods for you. S/he opens a shopping bag and pulls out a feather tickler, fuzzy handcuffs, and a rainbow feather boa. S/he then doses you both with molly (unless either of you are sober, in which case s/he gives you each a tube of Traumeel or Ben Gay if you don’t have a Whole Foods or the internet nearby.).
You can imagine the rest of each of those scenes yourself.
You get out of the bath and put on a teeny nightie. You also put on the rainbow feather boa. You walk outside to your white pre-fab gazebo and sit down at a white iron work breakfast set to eat a glorious meal of Dove milk chocolate hearts, PB&J sandies on white bread cut into hearts, white chocolate dipped strawberries and a 24 oz. strawberry Quik brevé made with half and half. Also a small, clear bowl of Special K filled halfway with milk. For the main meal you eat a plate of cocktail weenies laid out to spell “I Love You” and a multitude of tiny ramikins filled with various sauces and dips for your baby dongs. The dips include:
Classico brand Alfredo sauce from a jar mixed with fresh dried chives and diced green olives
Frito Lay Jalapeño Cheese Sauce
Cottage cheese seasoned with Lawry’s Salt and pineapple
Teriyaki sauce w/ extra powdered sugar dusted over it
Nutritional yeast sauce made from trish, soy milk, ginger, caraway seeds, fresh dill, stiff peaks of egg whites and Easy Cheese garnish.
After your meal you spend the rest of the day nested together in a large papasan under a mohair blanket watching movies. You watch Pretty Woman, Sleepless in Seattle, How Stella Got Her Groove Back, Repo Man, Enough, Glitter, Aimée and Jaguar, A League of Their Own and Thelma and Louise.
By the end of the day you’re both asleep in the papasan, quietly farting and providing warmth for your cats.