Oh you guys. What a life! Now that I’ve pooped my shorts on one walk, I can’t ever leave the house without wondering if I’ll blow my butt load AGAIN. What is a woman to do? Is my butt broken? It has a crack in it!

One thing I could do is attach a rope to the waistband of my joke shorts (I call them “joke shorts” because they are short and bright colors and 80’s rip-offs. Like how dumb.) and the rope could hold a roll of toilet paper. I could wear a fanny pack that has a plastic bag for soiled shorts, and a small container that looks like a kleenex box but dispenses disposable paper underwear. The paper underwear could have designs, just like paper towels! What on earth with greatness!

Here are some ideas.

Masculine Frontier Undies
Muskets
Long johns w/ butt flap
Five kids in one bed very tucked in, nose to toes
Tin lunch pails
Steel pump water fountains
Covered wagon
Game of jacks
Hoop to run down road with stick (too modern?)

Lady Version of Frontier-Themed Undies
Penny Candy
General Store
Horse hitch
Nellie Olsen taking voice lessons (probably won’t work re: printing/rendering)
Violent mother (quick to anger) (might be hard to convey on underwear)
Butter churn
Bonnets
Nightgowns
Candle holder with finger loop
Wash tubs

Park Theme
Geese
Bowties (Col. Sanders style what is that called)
Paddle boats
Senseless little bridges
Cinder block bathrooms
Slices of white bread
Hippie sleeping on synthetic 80’s comforter
devil sticks
boulders

Fuck You Theme
FB website mock-up
Broken shoelaces
Piles of poop
Slivers
Wind
Bombs