I went to NYC last week. I flew there! On Virgin Airlines. I paid $2 for my purple headphones (could have picked hot pink or silver too) and proceeded to receive exactly three channels on their in-flight boob toob. What exactly is the point of flying Virgin if their fucking television doesn’t work? When two of my three functioning channels show previews for the movies they are selling (including House Bunny, huzzah!). That is a funked up disaster  in my privileged life. Fortunately after instant-messaging all the qt guyz on the plane and getting no responses I found the video games and settled in for 5.5 hours of mah jong. That was cool. After playing every game of mah jong on my home computer and throwing tens of hours of my exemplary life at finishing the Chinese zodiac wheel of games, I had been adrift in a world of depressing news and people pooping where our trash cans are stored. Thankfully I had never played the exact games on the tiny screen mounted on the seat in front of me. My neighbors sure found it interesting! In fact, I got the sense at least one of my neighbors found everything from safety pins to butter knives utterly fascinating. I am going to try to recount some of my favorite lines (lady talking to her fiance, both have Silicon Valley jobs, I don’t know how old, they kind of had that thing where they look 49 years old b/c they dress so frumpy and they’ve been washing their faces with Dial since they were 10 but are probably 27):

Lady: You’ll never believe what they had in the cafeteria last week! Bright green tortillas! I’m serious, neon green! It was crazy.

Lady: I remember the bicentennial, it was so fun. I put red, white and blue streamers through the spokes of my bicycle. You would have thought I was a big nerd. I went to summer school every year. I wanted to go. My mother did too, I suspect she just wanted me out of the house. If I met you I would have thought you were a big, scary old guy.

Lady: (referring to NYC) Here’s where you grew up to be a big, strong man.

Lady: I had lunch with Joanne the other day. She asked me when I was going to get pregnant! You know, she’s Vietnamese. So. So I said I don’t know, I better get going!

Lady: Why do people from New York make fun of people from New Jersey? Is it because of their accent? You know it’s funny, Cathy doesn’t have an accent even though she’s from New York. But she’s from Manhattan. She says people from the boroughs have accents. The way Cathy speaks is so refined.

Lady: What kind of name is Younkers? Man: It’s the name of a town. Lady: I know, but that’s a really silly name.

I wish I could remember more. It was unbelievably dull, and it seemed like the woman wanted a daddy. Like she really wanted to be smaller and less knowledgable and wanted to be lead around by a bigger smarter human called her Husband. It seemed terrible. In general I feel like a huge creep when I think, “I’m glad that’s not my life.” Because really, besides sounding condescending, there’s no one’s life I want but my own (unbelievably). And I’m aware of having the life that is a living nightmare for many: GAY PERFORMANCE ARTIST. It’s a rarefied existence for sure, but still has a troubled reputation, I think.

So how could I write this without talking about being in NYC? I could not. Here is the whole story: it was great. When Beth and I walked into the building where we were staying there was a strong smell and it was not my fault. We realized it was rat poison outside in the trash area. Rat-free trash! We stayed in a great apartment on E. 13th at A. This would be the place we slept and stored my BabyCakes (the gluten-free bakery) purchases. We had two shows which were really fun. The new Dixon Place theater is glamorous and well-appointed.

That is the most I can write. It’s time to sleep. Thanks for reading.