There are a lot of people I’m not sleeping with, and I’ve decided to start getting some answers.
T: Kirkland why aren’t we sleeping together?
Kirk: Oh you don’t remember that night? I don’t want to damage our friendship by shitting where I eat.
Tara: Would we do something scat-related?
K: It was a metaphor but I think you should examine your associations (Amos: your projections). I’m open to phone sex with you but I think we should keep it at that. For now. One thing I’d like to say, I’ve never had sex with a woman, and I’m afraid you would bite my head off at the end.
T: Do you see yourself ever having sex with a woman?
K: Yes!! That’s something I aspire to.
Amos: What about transmen?
Kirk: YES! I plan to on this tour. This is going to blow open the French doors of my erotic life and I am going to step boldly onto the veranda.
T: I like every word you just said.
T: Myriam why aren’t you sleeping with me?
M: Oh Jesus. I’m not sleeping with you right now because I’ve been in a monogamous relationship for a dozen years and you’re not butch enough.
T: What would it take for me to be butch enough?
M: Well you do do manual labor and TJ doesn’t, but TJ is kind of a faggot. But I love it.
K: I was trying to coach her through a kitchen remodel but she couldn’t handle it.
T: Wait Myriam what happened with you and Kirk last night? He was afraid you were going to bite his head off and you haven’t even screwed.
M: (We were sleeping in the same bed and) In the middle of the night I just rolled over and put my arm around him and started to spoon into him. Because I think his body read like TJ’s to me, masculine. I think I started to go towards his neck instinctively then some sort of pheromone tipped me off. Then I remembered where I was and I was really glad I was wearing pants.
T: What would have happened if you hadn’t had pants on?
M: I usually sleep in my underwear but I felt like because I was in bed with someone else I should wear pajama pants. I’m a really active sleeper, I act out stuff in my sleep. Do you guys do that?
T: I don’t think so, I haven’t gotten that feedback. When we were on tour in 2007 I tried to sleep in the porky pig as often as possible because that’s my habit. I feel better that way. I mostly slept with Michelle who didn’t care at all and of course Sarah Adams was not only on-board but she was also piggin’. Chelsea, however, thought I was disgusting and reacted very strongly to my naked lower half. Do you guys think that’s weird that I would deign to climb into bed with a friend pantsless? Is that just too psychologically disturbing?
Myriam: I think it could be psychologically hard. It’s just mental.
T: Amos why aren’t we sleeping together?
A: Well you know I prefer women who have penises and flat chests. Plus we’re friends that would be weird.
T: Do all the ladies have flat chests?
A: Well like 12-year-old breasts. Mosquito bite nipples. Breasts just beginning to form.
T: Would you be upset if someone had a crazy huge rack like me? Would you hook up with someone who had a terrific load of boobs?
A: Yeah I would date someone like that.
T: So can you pinpoint in any way what makes you attracted to someone? Because I am going to make myself exactly that and come after you.
A: No. My types shift. And now it’s pre-operative transsexual women. But tomorrow you know it could be…who knows. Insert something crazy here. I’ve been with all kinds.
T: So do you imagine the nature of your attractions will continue to change?
A: They’ve changed so much already, I don’t know how much they could really change.
T: So do you feel like you’ve arrived at something or do you feel like you will continue to shapeshift?
A: I feel like I’ve arrived at an understanding of who I am and of who I connect with emotionally and physically.
T: Why aren’t we sleeping together?
B: My theory is that we are already aware that we would be the exact same person in the sack, aka TOO DEMANDING, so we know not to bother.